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Thread: Monologue to story/stories

  1. #11
    Gennysis's Avatar
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    Jul 2011
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    Hi Ghostunicorn,

    so I wanted to do 2 versions, one editing your original and one as an alternative version, but I'm using mum's computer and she finished what she was doing WAY too fast so I only got the alternative finished.

    My version is very different to yours, but I hope that's not too much of a shock. I just followed what you had currently written. I did concider trying to start with her riding a bike or something through town so we could get a feel for the location and the animosity she feels, but I felt the shock of the storm would make for a more catching beginning. Well the colourful specks of paper floating away in the water would have been a great first line, but it would have taken time to back track and fit it all in naturally.

    I changed the format. You've got a cover page, page numbers, your books name on odd pages and your name on even (you see this sometimes in books and I use it kinda like a water mark). I made it A5 so you'd get a better idea of how many pages you need for a chapter. you want about 15 pages per chapter. A book is around 90,000 words, don't go over 100,000 (though you of course can for your first go, but remember to edit it down).

    First line of a chapter has no indent, but everyone after should. I set the indent line so it should do this by itself, but you'll need to start if off again with each new chapter since you'll need to remove the indent then. Sorry I know that's a lot to take in, but it's easier to fix early on and it's good practice. indent is when you click tab.

    If I get a chance I'll try editind your original, it's in the second chapter 1 still. oh I also set up headings to be the chapter title style for ease and uniformity. I think that's everything I needed to say.

    Obviously you can scrap what Ive written, it isn't your style anyway since you like very flowery descriptions. If anything I hope seeing your story from a different perspective helps inspire more of your writing and helps you develop. xx

  2. #12
    Gennysis's Avatar
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    Jul 2011
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    England, that's all you're getting!
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    Ok finished my attempted edit. So now first part is my own version and the second chapter 1 is your's that I've edited.

    I've really struggled with your mix of first and third person. You really need to pick one and stick to it for the most part. I wanted to write all the parts of her talking to herself in italic, but that was most of the story and it clashes with the talking to her dad which is also in her head. so I've left it because that would have beena much harder rewrite to fix.
    Things I've noticed:

    You use the work that a lot. It is not needed in most cases and is just extra words for no reason. as well as as you can tell/as you can see. We shouldn't need you to tell us, we should already know. show don't tell remember.

    Overly long sentences. These are caused by too many excess words and too much content. Break the sentence down.

    Repeating the same thing multiple times.

    Putting the sentence in the wrong order. Don't do a yoda.


    Hope this all helps.
    Good luck with your story. xx

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