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Ghostunicorn
2nd December 2019, 11:21 PM
I have written a monologue and I have planned a few stories in mind to go around the monologue as a whole. Below is the monologue that I have written and underneath that is the link to my planning of the story/stories.

Have I lost it? Will I ever see it again? Is all this in my mind? Am I dreaming? No I am not! That has just happened. All my creative, beautiful, mindless creations otherwise known as my artwork has been lost in this crazy, emotional, stormy sea. Will I ever see it again? I wonder, will anyone recognise my masterpieces and come looking for me? Everyone I know thinks that I get distracted easily but I am just letting my creative mind take over my lonely life. In other words I do get distracted easily with my creative mind only because of my job which I may say that you have already probably guessed it. I am an artist who is twenty five years old. I say that art is my life’s work because to me art is not a hobby it’s an amazing talent who I must say I learned it off my father who unfortunately got lost at sea just like my artwork has. My father might even recognise my artwork and come back to me after he has been gone for five years. Will he ever come back? Before I start letting my mind start taking over me again I have better introduce myself. My name is Hope-lei and as I have already said I think I am twenty five years old. I also love arts and crafts as you can tell because I am an artist. I don’t really like anything else except for all kinds of things I can draw or do arts and crafts with so maybe I do like everything. Unfortunately I do know which I just try not to think about is that everybody thinks that I am disliked because none of them like arts and crafts in this crazy town that I live in but … they are wrong! I am letting you into a secret which no one else should know. The only people that knows this is me and the other person that my mind is telling me to talk about. This other person does art in their spare time which no one else knows about because everyone thinks she is always working even at night. We both sit by the tall, striped, lovely lighthouse underneath the curtain of night drawing it and landscapes wondering where our life will take us.

“Hello Love,”

Dad is that you talking to me or am I imaging it. I’m going to look around for you because I miss you.

“Yes it’s your dad love,”

Where are you? I’m looking around for you but I can’t find you I can only hear you. Can you come back as I need you to help me?

“You don’t love; you are doing fine by yourself.”

Am … am I really dad, why won’t you come home? If not for me come home because I feel isolated without you and we need your expertise on the development of the new houses they are going to build. They need your designs by tomorrow if they want them done in time.

“I’m not coming back love!”

I do and will believe that you will come back even though you said you won’t

“Trust me love, I’m not coming back.”

Why can’t we be alone together just the two of us in a new place away from people just the two of us.

Silence occurs

Dad? Dad?

Silence occurs again

Where are you? Where have you gone? Oh mind you have got to stop playing tricks on me. You need to because he died when he got lost at sea. My dad isn’t going to come back, the plans for the new houses isn’t real. Thanks very much mind I now feel heartbroken and lost because of you. Mind please your making me remember the past the bad parts of the past. You need to stop because I need to move away from the past and look forward to the future. I need to think about ideas for my next arts and craft project not the past even though today has reminded me of it but I can always redo it all.


This is the link to the story planning https://drive.google.com/open?id=1gLX-zERYpfeZ7WXRMM1Gk-apAv5IahBW

I hope you enjoy reading this and the planning. Any suggestions and feedback are welcomed

dragonholt
2nd December 2019, 11:34 PM
Thank you Tiffy.

I would suggest turning the monologue into a Prologue. Please consider breaking it up into more paragraphs - after all, a monologue is supposed to be spoken, and that means pauses for effect.

Possibly too many rhetorical questions at the start - try three, and see what happens.

I like the hint that someone else knows the narator's secret - although I do think that needs developing.

Nice that the father speaks to the narrator. May I suggest putting a bit more background in - remember,show not tell. Is the narrator on her own when her father speaks to her? Where is she? At the lighthouse,absorbed in her artwork, or somewhere else? Perhaps a lonely spot, where she watches the boats come in and out of the harbour . . a place where the open weather means she is closer to him. Where her miind relives memories and her imagination makes those memories seem real once more?

(Moon)
2nd December 2019, 11:49 PM
Ooh, this is intriguing. Good suggestions, Dragon. Not a lot to add to that. Lol. Perhaps a few less Tropes or introduce them slower?

Ghostunicorn
3rd December 2019, 11:00 AM
Never heard of a prologue
Don't know where is best to split into paragraphs
The secret is the next part to be explored when character goes to see the person
Narrator by herself when talking to her dad
Narrator is in a room with a sea view but as the window was open to help dry the artwork as some was still wet that's how the artwork got lost at sea
Relives some of the memories when going to find artwork as map mysteriously turns up in replace of a piece of art work that went missing the next day

The dad is a figure of imagination and the other person (secret) is going to be introduced soon as trying to figure out how to do this. I might do this the next day when the map appears.

Gennysis
4th December 2019, 11:41 AM
Okay, so a lot of questions and some pointers.

1. That first big chunk is not a monologue. It is closer to prose poetry or a character building tool where you imagine your character writing a letter. This works to deepen your character, but it is not something that appears in the book. With some editing you could make it the start of the book, but I think it will lose the poetic parts of it that make it nice.

2. You are writing in first person. This is fine for a short story, but from your plot you are writing a full book (though your thoughts need expanding on) and it is very tiring to wirite first for that lenght of time. Concider switching to thrid person. You will find it much easier.

1st: I did this. - Good for poetry, short stories and letters. Speaking is of course first person.

2nd: You do this. - Rarely seen, but used in stories where you choose the path you take. (example: if you choose the left path turn to page 143, if you choose the right path turn to page 96)

3rd: Hope did this/she did this

3. That conversation with the figment dad is fine, but needs some editing. You've put the dad's speech in speech marks, which makes him appear real and her fake, when it would be much better in italics, which would imply it was in her mind.

Hello Love.
"Dad is that you talking to me or am I imaging it. I’m going to look around for you because I miss you."
Yes, it’s your dad love.
"Where are you? I’m looking around for you but I can’t find you I can only hear you. Can you come back as I need you to help me?"
You don’t love; you are doing fine by yourself.
"Am … am I really dad, why won’t you come home? If not for me come home because I feel isolated without you and we need your expertise on the development of the new houses they are going to build. They need your designs by tomorrow if they want them done in time."
I’m not coming back love!
"I do and will believe that you will come back even though you said you won’t."
Trust me love, I’m not coming back.
"Why can’t we be alone together just the two of us in a new place away from people just the two of us."

I've not changed anything but the format, but you see the difference?

4. why does your descpription say their skin is red? none of that info is required unless their skin is literally a strange colour. same with stating thyat peoples eyes are evil.

5. Is lei their last name/family name? It shouldn't be said eveytime and putting a - means it is a double barrel first name like mary-kate or leigh-anne. it would be weird for the family to all have the same double barrel ending unless this is some fictional world with different naming conventions.

on this same note isn't it a bit strange to have the grandad calleed devil-lei? devil is not a first name, or even a second. If you are trying to make him out to be bad character then you should do it more subtly. As dragon said: show don't tell. this is true of your comment on the eyes as well.


I'll leave it at this for now, as mum wants her computer back lol and I don't want to bombard you. The premise is fine, just work on the story board more before getting too into the writing itself or you'll end up having to do more editing later. Ultimately it's your story and you should write in a way that you are comfortable with.

Ghostunicorn
7th December 2019, 11:20 AM
Thanks Gennysis there is a lot to take in and do so I have a lot to figure out and think about.

I am happy for all the feedback I have been given and I enjoy reading more feedback as I go along with the story and have peoples input to improve my skills and knowledge when writing ect.

Ghostunicorn
15th December 2019, 11:02 AM
Here is the link to my new planning of the story https://drive.google.com/file/d/1INf7VGbJyKbqPKc9eM4t2HeXLcGlFmtq/view?usp=sharing

Here is the link to the start of the story https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UEJZXE4u5maqZH8AxM1AUF4AJ0Q2WBQr/view?usp=sharing Sorry the pages have gone funny as they always seem to when I do something.

I hope you enjoy what I have written so far and enjoy looking at the planning to see what is coming. Thanks for the feedback as well. I am taking it slowly to fulfil the feedback requests as there is a lot to sort out still.

Gennysis
16th December 2019, 12:24 PM
I'm not very good with technology (I know I'm weird for my age).

would it be possible for you to make a 2nd copy of each of these with the option for anyone to edit? I don't want to damage your original and while I could start my own word document I'm not sure I have the where with all to get it on to here lol.

I'd like to do a big rewrite of your original and show you another style and help with layout.

Sorry if I'm coming off pushy, I just think it would be easier for me to show you at this early stage and seeing it from another way might help get your creativity going.

Ghostunicorn
16th December 2019, 12:41 PM
No idea how to work google drive apart from uploading and sharing. I am also not a person who is good at technology at all.

Only thing I can think of is download it, write in a different colour then upload it again then share. Unless anyone else has any better ideas.

Ghostunicorn
19th December 2019, 08:29 PM
Think I have sorted it now

Draft Story
https://drive.google.com/file/d/16Yykuas3siiDiq-wf4PbGqOSTq-lH3lM/view?usp=sharing

Planning 1
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ayCKBiVdFRCniPSZYY2aL_FeIJRjhESF/view?usp=sharing

Planning 2
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CpfSj4gfVFJvB0J3XGuyoaid_0nb7tj9/view?usp=sharing

Gennysis
27th December 2019, 01:30 PM
Hi Ghostunicorn,

so I wanted to do 2 versions, one editing your original and one as an alternative version, but I'm using mum's computer and she finished what she was doing WAY too fast so I only got the alternative finished.

My version is very different to yours, but I hope that's not too much of a shock. I just followed what you had currently written. I did concider trying to start with her riding a bike or something through town so we could get a feel for the location and the animosity she feels, but I felt the shock of the storm would make for a more catching beginning. Well the colourful specks of paper floating away in the water would have been a great first line, but it would have taken time to back track and fit it all in naturally.

I changed the format. You've got a cover page, page numbers, your books name on odd pages and your name on even (you see this sometimes in books and I use it kinda like a water mark). I made it A5 so you'd get a better idea of how many pages you need for a chapter. you want about 15 pages per chapter. A book is around 90,000 words, don't go over 100,000 (though you of course can for your first go, but remember to edit it down).

First line of a chapter has no indent, but everyone after should. I set the indent line so it should do this by itself, but you'll need to start if off again with each new chapter since you'll need to remove the indent then. Sorry I know that's a lot to take in, but it's easier to fix early on and it's good practice. indent is when you click tab.

If I get a chance I'll try editind your original, it's in the second chapter 1 still. oh I also set up headings to be the chapter title style for ease and uniformity. I think that's everything I needed to say.

Obviously you can scrap what Ive written, it isn't your style anyway since you like very flowery descriptions. If anything I hope seeing your story from a different perspective helps inspire more of your writing and helps you develop. xx

Gennysis
30th December 2019, 12:05 PM
Ok finished my attempted edit. So now first part is my own version and the second chapter 1 is your's that I've edited.

I've really struggled with your mix of first and third person. You really need to pick one and stick to it for the most part. I wanted to write all the parts of her talking to herself in italic, but that was most of the story and it clashes with the talking to her dad which is also in her head. so I've left it because that would have beena much harder rewrite to fix.
Things I've noticed:

You use the work that a lot. It is not needed in most cases and is just extra words for no reason. as well as as you can tell/as you can see. We shouldn't need you to tell us, we should already know. show don't tell remember.

Overly long sentences. These are caused by too many excess words and too much content. Break the sentence down.

Repeating the same thing multiple times.

Putting the sentence in the wrong order. Don't do a yoda.


Hope this all helps.
Good luck with your story. xx